I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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