i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
