I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize