and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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