I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
