Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
