I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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