I am puke
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
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