We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
