I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
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I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
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i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I would ride that face into the sunset
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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