Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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