i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i think i have herpe
just one?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
