I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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