my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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