nut hugger
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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