your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
