You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
