i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
