If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
