Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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