I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
