I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
