Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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