This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Randomize
