Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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