he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
