you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
