dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
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You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.