Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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