i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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