I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
