i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't deserve a penis
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
