So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
