Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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