my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
