He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
