i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
