Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
