If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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