woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
