2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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