I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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