I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
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