I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
