Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
