she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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