Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
