Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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