I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
