Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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