Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
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Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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