what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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