the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
