Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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