If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My ass is underappreciated
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
