Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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