stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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