she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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