Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
